So, according to The Washington Post, "Punxsutawney Phil" has (dun, dun, dun) seen his shadow today, which, for reasons unknown, indicates that we will have 6 more weeks of winter.
What the FUCK, Phil?!? If that IS your real name?!?
[Feb. 2, 2012 - Groundhog Club handler John Griffiths holds up Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-prognosticating groundhog, during the 126th celebration of Groundhog Day at Gobbler's Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa. Phil saw his shadow, forecasting six more weeks of winter weather.]
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Reasons why this holiday is BULL:
1.) Marmots are simply large squirrels. Literally, Family = Sciuridae.
Nobody trusts squirrels.
2.) The supposedly omnipotent "Groundhog" (Marmota monax) is also known as a "Land-Beaver", "Whistle-Pig", or, most importantly, a "Woodchuck". How can we possibly trust the word of a creature whose quantitative ability to “chuck wood” is already in question?
3.) Supposedly, if Phil sees his shadow, the whole United States gets 6 more weeks of winter. Seriously, Phil!!! Have you ever BEEN to Colorado?!? Well, F-me. We won't see the first signs of Spring until MAY. It will be -10° here for months… WTF does it matter if you see your f-ing shadow?!?
4.) Wait a minute... if you SEE your shadow, wouldn't that mean the SUN is out?!? I hate to be didactic, but wouldn't that REQUIRE an absence of clouds?!? In what way does this foreshadow a LONGER winter??? HUH?
5.) The range of Marmota monax only extends as far West as the Mississippi River. Professional WEATHERMEN can’t accurately predict the weather out here. Now, we expect a large SQUIRREL from the EAST coast to predict our weather for the next few MONTHS?!?
I rest my case, you dirty little rodent.
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