Okay, granted, 3 of my FAVORITE people where there to meet me and those ridiculous people EVEN had presents for me. :) These people include my "adoptive older brother" Joseph (Haha, well, I DID "adopt" him as my brother, *laughs*), my friend Ray who I think of as my adoptive LITTLE brother, both of whom I met while we were all doing time back in "the joint" (North Range Behavioral Health, chicka chicka yeah!), and my crazy/AWESOME neighbor Jeff. To be completely honest, I have a sneaking suspicion that my neighbor Jeff might have actually BANKROLLED the operation, but this time, NO proof. Heh! So, back to the important thing... the presents!
They gave me this rad, goth-chick style "Sunshine Bear" Carebear hat!! With goofy yellow tassles and EVERYTHING! LOL!! Ahhhh... I couldn't stop laughing.
In addition, Jeff gave me two AWESOME packs of cigarettes. And you guys know me, I like everything with extra style, extra sparkly-ness, extra AWESOME. You guys WILL NOT believe this: He called them "Carebear cigarettes", which was such a fantastic idea I nearly lost it. I mean, first off, the idea of ANY Carebear, EVEN grumpy bear, smoking a cigarette... I mean...?!? The Carebears live in CLOUDS, hopefully NOT clouds of cigarette smoke. That's the best association I can draw between these two things. Until now.
Oh my GOD, LOOK at these things! Jeff said he went into a fancy tobacco store to buy them, and the guy asked him not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES if he was sure he wanted this pack. That's how absurdly feminine they are, and I have a feeling even the girliest of girls would feel MORTIFIED to buy these things. I will never know, because I will NEVER buy a pack... Yeah, not because they're embarrassing, because I think they're embarrassingly AWESOME, but because I estimate that they (probably) cost around $12.00 a pack. And I am broke. SO, you can bet your BUTT these things will be rationed! ;)
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Anyway, it was unspeakably great to see these three boys, but then... I saw my apartment. My beloved apartment, which I managed to SOMEHOW rent for myself on around day 5 of my insomnia-induced RAMPAGE ("Terms of Enrampagement" from Archer, anyone?), was not quite how I left it... to put it as mildly as THIS "Sunshine Bear" knows how. A few key notes from its appearance when I got back late from 2 LONG DAYS ON THE ROAD:
-The place smelled like pickles. I mean, don't get me wrong, I LIKE pickles. Like, worse than pickles. Like pickles soaked in GROSS BOY B.O. Like someone had tried to make some home-made pickled garlic and rung out a bunch of sweaty basketball player's socks to make the brine. Oh, and added a bunch of beard trimmings and toenail clippings into the mix for seasoning. ((Okay, I apologize, that was really gross... but still. I stand by my description)
-There were potato chips, pretzel crumbs, pieces of pizza crusts, cheerios, and other large CHUNKS of food floating around the floor. Just waiting for you to step on them with your BARE FEET. Oh, and these weird carpet tumbleweeds that looked like cat-hairballs. Reminder: I don't have a freaking cat! Ray? Had you been licking yourself instead of taking showers? ;)
-Seriously, EVERY SINGLE DISH in the house was dirty. And stacked all over every square inch of my already inadequate counter-space. All of my BEAUTIFULLY trendy new blue and lightish black IKEA dishware had been used, and left with plastered on bran flakes and milk slime from many, many mornings, which (I assume) consisted of sugary cereal and cartoons.
-The bathroom... Oh, the bathroom. Yes, I am a girl, and can't POSSIBLY ever appreciate the full extent of the difficulties men face after being given a urethra encased within a firehose. BUT STILL. PLEASE??? Heeeeeelllllppp....! I felt like the King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table when faced with the killer white rabbit in the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail": Run away, RUN AWAY! Oh, and the tub? Can I just refer to the condition as fraught with "mystery hairs"
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Damn it, this situation MUST have a solution... it MUST have a LOGICAL conclusion... RIGHT!?! Come on, people. Anyone?!?
Well, shit.
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